Pixel Affection

I once dated someone who didn't really like it when I texted them.

they said that if we texted too much we'd fall in love

with the idea of each other.

pixel affection

too far away to truly know, too close to not be changed.

pixel affection

have you ever heard of the hedgehogs' dilemma?

it's a pretty simple concept really.

> the idea goes that in winter, hedgehogs get cold and want to huddle together for warmth.

they can't though, because of their spines.

> in the same way, humans thrive in community and by nature want to be close to each other.

but our anxiety, our fear of getting hurt, our traumas and our defences keep us from getting too close.

keep us from ever truly being known.

now imagine if the hedgehogs had iphones.

> I'm awake in bed at 1am, and I want to text you even though I know you won't reply.

> I've changed your picture in my contacts maybe a dozen times.

bitcrushing on who you could be.

> if you zoom in close on an image,

so close you can see the individual pixels,

are you seeing something new?

something more?

> or are you just seeing artefacts,

left over from the way the camera sensor struggles to process and treat.

> the way a phone fractures things the eye cant see,

is that nuance?

is that deeper understanding?

> I've read and reread and reread your text messages,

the things you said and the things you promised.

promised in the cold heat of

pixel affection

> I've loved people who have never existed.

outside of my desktop.

outside of my mind.

> the first time I thought I loved you was on a video call.

a million pieces of your smile,

your laugh,

your fear.

> travelling at speeds I cannot begin to comprehend across deep sea fibre optics,

deconstructed then reconstructed again,

first on my screen,

then in my mind,

then in my heart.

> I didn't tell you how I felt in that moment.

instead I typed it out on my desktop,

and took a screenshot.

always the subject,

never the object.

pixel affection

> perhaps if nothing is truely tangible, everything should be measured by affect.

how the constructs make us feel.

if the hedgehogs can send each other heart emojis in the dead of winter and feel warm in their hearts then maybe that is enough.

> nothing is pure, and meaning is always secondary.

I chuck my phone down on the other side of the bed where you once laid,

but not so far away that its out of reach.

it's not that deep,

it was never that deep.

after all,

it was just

pixel affection.

program-end.

Unknown-MacBook:goingDownSwinging localuser$